It never fails — being nice to a guy who claims to have a romantic interest in me always backfires.

Of course, I am speaking of McQuickie. Since he came to the out-of-nowhere discovery that he "really likes me", all of his behaviors since then have been…well…unbecoming of a guy who really likes me.

He came over about two and a half weeks ago after his epiphany. Well, that and he was horny.

"You're not like other gay guys in Atlanta."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know." FLAG!

"So you're just saying that because…"

"Because I like you! Damn, do I have to have a reason?"

"Umm, yeah — that would help." I mean I'll take an empty platitude, but it'd be nice if it were actually sincere and not just lip service so you could get me going for more sex. I'm gon' sleep with you anyway.

He left my apartment a few hours later. I called him the next day to see what he was up to for the week. He said him and some of his friends were going to Screen on the Green and he'd call me back later. He never did. Two days passed, so I decided to call him.

"What? What?"

"Well hello to you too. What's been going on?"

"Nothing."

"OK…how was Screen on the Green?"

"Fine." OK, I see where this shit is going.

"Well I was thinking maybe we could get together this weekend."

"I can't — I'm going back to Canada for ten days."

"You're not much of a phone person, are you?"

"No…I think phones are so pretentious."

Umm…exsqueeze me? Now I know it's rare that I run across gems of 19-year-old broken logic like this, but this one took the cake.

"How are phones pretentious?"

"I don't know…they just are." FLAG! Clearly, I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here — I know some people may be more well versed in the written word than the spoken word. Even still, some may be better with one-on-one face time. After already exhausting two options, I asked him, "Do you mind if I send you an e-mail while you're in Canada?"

"Whatever." Click.

Little bastard. I send him an e-mail while he's away. Ten days later, no response. All three methods of communication on his part have failed. So I'm ready to say "fuck it". I call him on the day he gets back to see how he's doing.

"Sick."

"Oh, that's too bad. Is there anything you want me to do?"

"Like what?" FLAG!

"Well damn…if you're going to give me attitude…."

"Look, I don't have time for this." Click.

I don't even bother with calling back — I deleted his number. The next day, I get this IM:

I can tell you that I've been feeling sick since I got back from Canada, but I get the sense that you haven't exactly been satisfied with our communication thus far (even before you telling me) If that's how you feel, I guess I can't beg you to put up with what you feel is a frigid reception on my end. I apologize. If you feel differently, you have my number and we'll see how it goes. But I think I should warn you that I feel differently now too. Bye.

Warn me? That's rich. I started to go back through my phone's history to get his number…but really now…backpedaling after a 19-year-old?

Très gauche. Which leads me to this other troglodyte, a 35-year-old retail store manager who chatted me up on evening last week. His conversation skills ranked well above the normal fashion-gospel-sex talk and I found myself enjoying talking with him for several days. He suggested we exchange numbers and we did; I called him the next evening and…well…

"Hello, may I speak to…"

"What's up stank hoe?"

"E…excuse me?"

"You heard me stank hoe. What's up?"

"Umm…this is Karsh…you gave me your number yesterday…we had been talking online earlier this week…"

"Damn stank hoe, I said what's up…"

The hell? I hung up the phone and fixed dinner. I got online later that evening and he had left me this long ass message on Yahoo! Messenger:

i dont know what your problem is damn that was my roommate lol we be playing like that on the phone sometime it all good man besides i call all my friends stank hoe it be something we say to laugh and shit

I don't know what to take umbrage at the most — the fact that he's 35 with a roommate who plays on the phone like a teenager, his poor ass grammar, or that he has friends who call each other stank hoes!

Thank God I stopped dating.