The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough

While I can’t claim to be the world’s foremost expert on relationships, I do know that my wife and I have a very strong marriage, and have never been more in love.

I’ve failed at marriage before, but that’s helped me become better at it. I’ve learned the deadly sins of relationships, and how to recognize them and avoid them.

A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips:

spend time alone together;
appreciate each other;
be intimate often;
talk and share and give.

But just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves. I know I have. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and how to correct it.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds. :)

Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small (”He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below for more).
Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

“I felt it shelter to speak to you.” - Emily Dickinson

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” - Emily Kimbrough

While I can’t claim to be the world’s foremost expert on relationships, I do know that my wife and I have a very strong marriage, and have never been more in love.

I’ve failed at marriage before, but that’s helped me become better at it. I’ve learned the deadly sins of relationships, and how to recognize them and avoid them.

A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips:

spend time alone together;
appreciate each other;
be intimate often;
talk and share and give.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds. :)

Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small (”He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and our partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it, I know. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, and turns into unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy (like I once did), instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in an incident or incidents in the past of your current relationship.
Unrealistic expectations. Often we have an idea of what our partner should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of our partner. Having some expectations is fine — we should expect our partner to be faithful, for example. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Our partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect our partner to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.
Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below for more).
Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things too. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards a platonic status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone needs some of it, especially from someone we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often.
Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but I just thought about it before publishing this post, and had to add it in. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

“I felt it shelter to speak to you.” - Emily Dickinson

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Posted on 24 April 2008 in Finance & Family, Happiness |
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Comments (147)

Clay Collins | The Growing Life Says:

April 24th, 2008, 21:49 pm

It’s really nice to see beautiful 2nd marriage success stories.

–Clay

Steve Says:

April 24th, 2008, 21:51 pm

Where does Jesus fit into all that? Saw no mention of the heavenly father.

Laurie Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:00 pm

The biggest deadly sin I have come across in marriage is thinking you have to take care of the other person and are responsible for how they feel. Spouses cannot continuously prop each other up. Both people need to take care of themselves and as a friend says “Grow themselves up” When you are stong on your own with who you are, you’ll be strong together!

Laurie Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:01 pm

@Steve: Jesus is the center of it!

Seeker Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:06 pm

Corey over at http://www.simplemarriage.net has great advice on marriage!

Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:09 pm

John Gottman has uncovered the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt. When these are present, the likelihood of an unhappy marriage or divorce increases.

I like your take on the sins to avoid in marriage. Good advice as always.

Jay Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:18 pm

Yeah, ’cause Jesus was an expert at marriage.

Thomas Herold Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:28 pm

Many people think that a relationship has to work. Somehow they think it operates like a machine. When it stops or fails you just fix it and make it work again.

Just drop the idea that it has to work and it takes away the pressure. Enjoy the good times and enjoy the bad time.

Cheers

Thomas Herold
CEO Dream Manifesto

MrAchievement.com (Stanley Bronstein) Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:45 pm

Somebody should make a movie out of your list . . .

They could call it 7EVEN, oops, I meant 8IGHT

Good list. I’ll make sure my wife reads it.

I’m also going to add this to my list of MrAchievement’s Top Positionings of the Week.

MrAchievement
Stanley Bronstein
Attorney, CPA, Author, Blogger & Professional Motivational Speaker

pavs Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:46 pm

I am not married yet, and recently broke up with my GF. But you have some great points that I should remember for the future. Specially stubburness, I am a very stubborn individual; that’s something that i have to work on.

Kelley Ann Hornyak Says:

April 24th, 2008, 22:52 pm

Such a great article. @Laurie–your comment should be the P.S. on that piece! I agree 100%. I find myself slipping on some of these points and I know I need to be more aware, but at the same time we cannot be responsible for making each other happy–we have to make ourselves happy first, and then we will have something to bring to the relationship.

Tom – Ponderosa Design Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:08 pm

Reminds me of “Blink” by Malcom Gladwell…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink_(book)

He wrote a section on relational surveys done by uber-psychology-professionals… they always saw resentment as the first indication the relationship would undergo stress and difficulty. Good call.

@Steve: I have to admit pal, I think Leo’s posts are doing a much better job representing Kindness than most of your comments. Keep it in context, my friend.

LivSimpl Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:09 pm

If I had to pick one thing to watch out for in a marriage, it would be selfishness. (I think it includes all the things mentioned above.) It’s so important to be able for someone to put their spouse before themselves!

Incorporating principles of selfLESSness can make all the difference. It can be difficult to do, and requires a conscious decision, but the result of putting your spouse before yourself is a happier marriage and a happier home.

http://www.LivSimpl.com

Phillip Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:11 pm

Hey man, thanks for sharing. I’m a young(er) 27 year old guy who is still just making his way through the relationship jungle. Sharing is caring.
I recently told a friend of mine who called me with a relationship struggle that I have no clue, but at least if we’re lost we can be lost together.
We’ll all get there someday.
Much Peace, Leo.

Moonshine Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:13 pm

Great advice Leo!! I’m getting married this July and your advice as a happily married person is invaluable to me as I embark on this most important journey of my lifetime with the person I love.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us :-)

Jonathan Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:16 pm

My wife and I have been married for almost a year and our secret to success has been our small group from church. There’s so much relief when you’re gathered with a group of newlyweds that have been through the same situations you have. So there you have it…my tip is to join a small group at your church.

Jesus and prayer are my other secrets ;)

P.S. We’re expecting our first baby boy this August!

quench Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:36 pm

I’d say the deadliest thing - for any relationship, but especially a marriage - is contempt.

It’s absolutely toxic, and while sometimes it seems justified, and sometimes allows you to feel morally superior, it is doubly dangerous: Not only is contempt unendurable to your partner, but, over time, it will erode your own capacity for good will (with or without your partner). It grows when you are not looking, so you have to be very careful not to let it in to begin with.

Matthew Says:

April 24th, 2008, 23:48 pm

I am a 31 year old man who has been married nine years. Its a decade this december! I have suffered every one of those sins. And when you think its licked, the problem takes you down.
But the one thing I don’t see mentioned much, is being proactive. If your car starts to make a noise you take it to the shop right away. But if you and your wife have a fight, you go to bed and never finish dealing with it until one day your in a therapists office!
My wife and I agreed never to sleep till every issue was solved. Lot of sleepless nights! Especially in the beginning. But we are still here and still happy. When you never give up, even the big mistakes can be gotten over.
Having the same moral guide helps too, thank you God! No pun intended… ;)

Anita Says:

April 25th, 2008, 0:29 am

Long-time married, and if we’re going to add things, I may as well as — a sense of humor, which really is based on not taking yourself so seriously!

L’Chaim

Shilpan | successsoul.com Says:

April 25th, 2008, 0:33 am

Leo -

Great list. I can’t agree with you more on the need to spend quality time together. I was lacking in that area and lately after making time alone a priority - I have seen great deal of love from my wife that I’ve never seen since we’ve been married.

Thanks
Shilpan

Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah) Says:

April 25th, 2008, 0:47 am

“When you love someone, you love the whole person, as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.” – Leo Tolstoy

(Great article!)

Leo Says:

April 25th, 2008, 0:53 am

Loving everyone’s contribution to this discussion!

@Jonathan: Congrats on the baby!

@Steve: While my religion is definitely a central part of my marriage, I don’t believe in pushing my religious beliefs on others. There are many happy couples who aren’t Christian, and I believe that a good relationship is possible no matter what your religion, so I tried to stay religion-neutral here.

Jesus Says:

April 25th, 2008, 1:03 am

I would just like to point out that I’m just a figment of your imagination. I was made up by some very silly people and have been abused by power hungry mad men for about 2 millennia now. Please stop this nonsense. Oh, and about my father .. he ain’t that great. He drank. A lot.He too was a figment of your imagination.

Jon Says:

April 25th, 2008, 1:11 am

@Steve: What about the Judaic and Islamic God? What about Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, and even Atheism and Agnostics who don’t view Jesus in the same way that Christians do? Are they not just as able to have a successful marriage?

If anything, the regions of America that have the highest instance of church attendance and belief in the Christian God (the Southern Protestant Bible belt) also have the highest instances of divorce in the country. Maybe Jesus needs to be number 8…

Albert @ Headspace (http://thoughtsintime.co.za/) Says:

April 25th, 2008, 1:16 am

In my 18 year long relationship I have found that two things matter:

The willingness to work things out and simply hanging on when times get tough.

But I wouldn’t know how to teach either of these.

mandriko pindo Says:

April 25th, 2008, 1:40 am

in my several relationship im always broke up because she is different religion with me how will i found better ladies in the future .
and i hope go d will semt me a girl with the same religion with me amen

banji - LessonInLife Says:

April 25th, 2008, 1:42 am

There’s a very famous saying ” Marry someone who you can talk to, because in time when everything else fades, talking to each other is the only thing you can do”

Communication is just that important. It is the basis of all relationship. What difference will it be if after marriage you still didn’t talk and care to each other. Unfortunately this is where we usually fail to recognize. Our lack of communication skill.

Maybe a continuation of this post should be how to improve communication skill in a relationship

bart Says:

April 25th, 2008, 2:13 am

Thanks for the read. I will mail the article to my girlfriend ;-)

bardophile Says:

April 25th, 2008, 3:18 am

Thanks. I needed to read this. :)

David Bradley Says:

April 25th, 2008, 3:54 am

Stubbornness has to be the killer…

On a related but rather different note, I did a Seven Deadly Sins for Scientists item when the “new” sins were announced recently.

selfdiver Says:

April 25th, 2008, 5:34 am

I think good communication is the key. Probably you don’t need to say everything what is in your mind. But surely you need to talk about the things that affect your relationship. And it means you have to make some priorities, to chose what is important and preferably to discuss it with your partner.

A week ago my wife and I sat and talked about the bunch of needless things we had stored at our home. We argue a little but agree that we have to free from the stuff. Not everything was thrown away. It just was the first round of our common brainstorming. We like it and I would like to continue in this way of sharing and solving the problems.

Maria Says:

April 25th, 2008, 6:07 am

I don’t get it- spend time alone or together? Is that a typo?

Marsello - feedbacksecrets.com Says:

April 25th, 2008, 7:10 am

Been guilty on several counts, that’s why no relationship is perfect I guess. Often I become complacent in a relationship and took my other half for granted, which normally resulted in resentment of course. That is why communication is key, because if we did not communicate this problem, it could’ve fester and exploded one day.

Jeff Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:09 am

@Steve:

Please, spare me. Aren’t their religious whacko sites for you to post on? Hindus, Muslims, Jews, athiests, Neo-Pagans, agnostics, and people who just generally have a life also have relationships, you know.

PKS411 Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:15 am

@Maria ~

It’s not a typo… spend together “alone together” means to spend time with one another but without kids or others around.

That’s tricky for us because we are in business together often talk about “business” during that “alone together” time until one of us says “no more business talk”… just “husband and wife talk”.

I am definitely printing this one out to review… I think I need these tips more than my husband. :-)

Wendi Kelly Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:20 am

Leo,

I really enjoyed that list. Just got married last August to my long-time best friend and I think having shared core beliefs ( faith, principles, values, basic wants/needs out of life is a key indicator)

It took me failing few times to get the concept of that “evenly-yoked” thing, but its right on the money.

Everything else on your list ia also very key..Especially be together and enjoying each others company.

barbara-ann Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:20 am

Been together with my husband for 18 years (married 13). One important part of “Unrealistic Expectations” is when we expect the other person will change. Even worse is thinking we have the ability to change him / her…

Embo Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:34 am

I appreciate your list. It occurs to me that everything on that list is an offshoot of unrighteous pride. Pride that is self-centered, self-absorbing, and focused on your needs and wants instead of looking outside yourself, of giving your all to your partner, and I’m not talking doormats. In my own marriage, I have found that when I start worrying about myself and my needs, the magic leaves.

patrickp Says:

April 25th, 2008, 8:54 am

This is probably the most succint and valuable relationship advice I’ve ever seen. If you follow these, you certainly have a much greater chance at success. I’m coming up on 10 years of marriage and we’ve had many struggles during that time - and have fallen into many of those 8 sins. If there’s anything one can underestimate, it’s how much focused attentioin and effort a healthy relationship takes. While good chemistry is key - they’re never automatic and one can never become complacent.

Anon Says:

April 25th, 2008, 9:27 am

I have to agree with the appreciation one. My girlfriend of almost 2 years, just moved out of town and even though I knew she would be leaving, I don’t think I maximized the time we spent together. We sometimes have the communication issue, but I try to work through it being that I’m usually (in past relationships) the one who’s closed off…now in my current relationship we’re both closed and stubborn (but Ima changing).

After evaluating everything in my current relationship I can say I think that she is the one and we have a good chance at success which on Aug 18, I’ll ask my girlfriend to marry me.

http://fundthering.com/our-story-2

SpaceAgeSage Says:

April 25th, 2008, 9:29 am

Leo,
Very nice, compact summation!

My 14 years of marriage have been amazingly blessed since we are soul mates at a very profound level. Despite this, the one thing I tend to fall into is taking my husband for granted. This week I let my writing time get between us, making it more important than his need to talk. Sometimes we are more cordial to bosses or friends than to our long suffering spouses! I have to put the brakes on my urge “to do” and take time just “to be” — in this case, “to be” in love.

Maria - Never the Same River Twice Says:

April 25th, 2008, 9:36 am

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, and I have found ONE thing Dr. Phil and I agree on - you can be happy, or you can be right. Rarely do the 2 go together.

sjp Says:

April 25th, 2008, 10:00 am

Looks like Steve got what he wanted, which was everyone taking notice.

I have been with my girlfriend for 21 years, (22 this December),we are not married and probably will not get married. I did not want that in the beginning and she does not want that now, although I would. Not sure why as we are not religious people at all, although I think it would be for the kids sake.

Some of the things in that list are things we have done, and even still do, for example I don’t think that we communicate enough etc, but I’ve never been a jealous person.

But how have we stayed together so long? I think we just both wanted to be there for each other and did what needed to be done, but that’s not to say that we don’t have problems.

Nice post though, I enjoed reading it, and may “Borrow it” although credit would be given.

Anna Says:

April 25th, 2008, 10:14 am

What I found important on my example is taking part in each other’s interests. Supporting them and helping your significant one with his/her new ideas - in any possible way - gets you two closer.

I saw so many examples of people ignoring each other’s dreams, activities and wishes, what often led to drifting apart.

It’s a pity that people let themselves to so be childish and intolerant, not understanding what it may lead to.

I wish those couples realizing own mistakes could teach own kids to be more attentive, kind, tolerant and understanding.

Great post and thanks!

B Smith at Wealth and Wisdom Says:

April 25th, 2008, 10:20 am

Leo, another great post. It’s great to hear from someone who learned from the past (the good and bad). Life will keep throwing the same lesson at you until you learn it.

One thing my wife and I did was plan on staying married. We spent more time on that instead of making our wedding perfect. Our focus was on how we would stay close (and get closer), our finances, future kids, etc…

Since then, we decide that we love each other. We decide that our spouse is the most important thing in our life. It is a choice, one that we have made every day for 17 years. While we have been blessed, we have also gone through hard times. This is when you are tested. This is when the choice is more than lip service.

Marc Says:

April 25th, 2008, 10:32 am

Great list Leo. I hope this helps some relationships that might be on rocky ground.

A few comments:

1) I agree with the responses to Steve’s comment, especially Leo’s: can we please stop trying to force our religious beliefs on others? We need to start thinking a bit more respectfully about all the world’s different religions (including those of us that don’t believe in any religions-we may believe in God, but not the man-made concept of religion). Religion is a very personal decision - I have the problem right now that my parents don’t understand why I stopped going to a Christian church - it’s very hard for them to accept that I made a personal, spiritual decision to stop.

2) Often how the parents’ relationship was/is can have a huge impact on how their kids handle their relationships. We need to be aware of that and ensure that we don’t just repeat how our parents were/are.

3) Both people in a relationship must first be happy with themselves and be on the path to finding inner peace - if they don’t have that, then any inner unhappiness or turmoil usually surfaces and is “taken out on” their partner. Yes, they can both work together and help each other to find inner peace (as my wife and I are doing), but sometimes that road can be a bit rocky, so the relationship needs to be very strong to survive.

4) Finally you cannot rely too heavily on a partner for your own happiness and inner peace. Things change and relationships end, sometimes sadly by the death of one partner. So make sure that your partner/relationship is not all that you have that makes you happy, otherwise when it ends you won’t have anything worth living for (and we’ve all heard the stories of people committing suicide when they lose their partner).

Marc

Kelly@SHE-POWER Says:

April 25th, 2008, 10:36 am

Great post! The only thing I would add is don’t try to change the person you’re with. I guess that comes in with unrealistic expectations, but so many people (and I have been one of them) fall for the potential of a partner. They like the basic mould but think it could be improved upon. They then spend years trying to do that, which means they’re not actually loving and accepting the individual they’re married to. In my experience this is a recipe for disaster and misery for all concerned.

Sometmes people change and marriages end, other times you just need to adjust your expetations of each other and learn to let stuff slide, but what will never work is trying to turn your partner into the man/woman you WANT THEM TO BE.

Nice work here, Leo. I DIGG it!

Kelly

99ppp Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:21 am

I don’t see a need to get married to enjoy a great relationship. Many place some added importance and credibility to married couples, yet I don’t. I’ve been coupled with my lover for almost 11 years, and we both don’t see the need to have the state or a church validate our love.

More at: A Case Against Marriage: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/a-case-against-marriage/

Tino Schwarze Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:25 am

@LivSimpl: Never, ever put anybody before yourself. It won’t work out - you’ll just betray both of you.

Take care for yourself first - your spouse is able to take care of his/herself as well. If you get that reversed, you’re basically questioning your partner’s ability to take care of him/herself. So both of you will be stuck in the “I want to be an adult, but actually I’m trying to help my partner getting an adult” department.

That’s another sin I’d add to the list (I’m struggling with it myself): Trying to “fix” your partner, knowing better,
“helping” etc.

I need to remember myself and realise: She is grown-up. She knows how to take care of herself. It’s her responsibility. It’s her decision, even if the decision looks “wrong” to me.

Actually, this should be a consequence of appreciating your partner.

Tino.

Randa Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:32 am

It’s just nice to see that so many people really care about marriage. My parents were divorced and remarried and my mother is on her third divorce now and with all the divorce statistics it’s hard for a young adult (I’m 22) to believe marriage is a good choice at all. Leo, I don’t know how you have such amazing insight, but thanks!

funkright Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:44 am

This comment “but the result of putting your spouse before yourself is a happier marriage and a happier home.” definitely doesn’t ring true in the long run. If you don’t take care of yourself and personal interests you become to dependent on each other for your esteem and personal valuations. You both need to place marital interests at the same level, but continue to develop and honor yourself. You will ultimately lose yourself and your marriage if you don’t.

Jeff@My Super-Charged Life Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:45 am

These seem to be the keys to avoid! I know because I have been married to the same great woman for 16 years. Of course, I have learned the hard way on most of these. Where were you when I started?!?

Seriously, I hope a lot of people read these and heed the advice. Divorce is tearing our children up. We need to save our families!

SpaceAgeSage Says:

April 25th, 2008, 11:56 am

funkright — I think it is a balance between selfless sacrifice and healthy boundary setting.

Blake Says:

April 25th, 2008, 12:05 pm

The keys to a successful marriage: (1) taking care of yourself (i.e. Fountainhead-ish selfishness) and (2) having separate bathrooms :)

http://blakeneven.blogspot.com/

MikeT Says:

April 25th, 2008, 12:33 pm

I’d add another trap that may or may not apply to everyone: thinking you’re immune to problems. In my first marriage, I was so certain that we had the perfect marriage that I ignored problems until they were insurmountable.

Francis Says:

April 25th, 2008, 12:51 pm

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got is that married couples should spend at least 15 hours alone together each week, awake and not watching movies… just together like they used to when they were dating.

I read it in MarriageBuilders, an internet ezine / website.

When couples complain about the amount of time “required” the author tells people to imagine that they are having a secret affair with a hot member of the opposite sex, and what extraordinary lengths they would go to in order to _make_ the time to see their lover.

Good point, I thought.

Rose Garden Says:

April 25th, 2008, 13:43 pm

Always on the negative side, I seem to be… These are great tips, Leo, but from my experiences, I have often found the opposite (in its extreme) to also be true. On the positive side, I’ll turn your “Deadly Sins” (which I agree with) into a “Do List”:

1. Be Jealous - a little, sometimes! (Never being jealous can tell your man you don’t care if he’s there for you or not.)

2. Set Expectations - fairly, realistically. Being too lenient means you’ll be unfairly leaned on and used.

3. Make Time to be Apart - sometimes too much of a good thing spoils it. Bring something new to the relationship by spending time on yourself, and then sharing it with your partner.

4. Communicate Selectively - sometimes, it’s the things we don’t say that protect the relationship and make it stronger.

5. Keep Your Hands to Yourself - for a while. Too clingy, cloying or available. Sometimes a break in the action makes being together again that much sweeter. Just ask an observant Jewish couple. (My nod to Steve. BTW, Jesus wasn’t Christian.)

6. Thank Yourself - sometimes. In other words, stop being on the take all the time and do some things that your partner will be grateful you’re doing every now and then, too. Also, appreciate in yourself what you bring to the relationship.

7. Be Very Stubborn - about staying in a committed relationship. That’s the glue that will hold you together through the bad stuff.

8. There’s no Upside to Resentment.

Peace.

Ryan Says:

April 25th, 2008, 14:33 pm

I would have to agree with Blake.

Maintaining a healthy self is the key to all relationships. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?
I would also add that you must be willing to define roles within the relationship so that expectations are clear and predictable. Occasionally, it’s worth switching these roles up.

Ryan

http://www.mofata.com

jules Says:

April 25th, 2008, 15:47 pm

I’ve got a couple to add:

1. Let go of ego, it’s not all about you. It shouldn’t be a power struggle, it should be a partnership.

2. Realize it’s a 100/100% deal, not 50/50%. If you both give 100% TO EACH OTHER, the rewards are immense.

3. Give more than you get. Hopefully your partner will do the same. Win-Win.

4. Try not to bring past relationship baggage with you. You are NOT the same person you were with X, your partner is not the same person they were with X. Hopefully, you’ve learned from the past mistakes and grown. Don’t project your X’s faults on every future partner you have. They are their own person. They are NOT X.

Just my 2 cents.

Lily Says:

April 25th, 2008, 15:49 pm

Steve, Jesus doesn’t fit here, otherwise it’d be ménage à trois. ;)

Té la mà Maria Says:

April 25th, 2008, 15:53 pm

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Catalonia Spain
thank you

Jenn Says:

April 25th, 2008, 16:15 pm

Hey Leo. Thanks for antoher great post. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but this is my first comment.

I find that my 2nd marriage of 9 years is currently suffering from most of these issues due to some seriously big and stressfull things happening in our lives.

I would love to see one of your lists on little things you can do daily to get your marriage back in shape.

Thanks!

Kelly Says:

April 25th, 2008, 18:37 pm

I’ve been married 17 years, although that doesn’t seem possible, and these are great reminders. I wish we could have always been conscience enough to follow these tips. I agree with others who say that commitment is basically a decision. There have been rough times but by riding those times out we’ve become a stronger unit, with a shared history that is irreplaceable.

Thanks again, Leo, for another thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters Says:

April 25th, 2008, 19:37 pm

Yes I am guilty of unrealistic expectations. My wife and I have a strong relationship, but sometimes I want her to think like me, see the same things that I would do.

It’s not fair to her or me. I’m working on just going with the flow and being ok with whatever she chooses to do without getting upset if she doesn’t do something the way I would.

Our relationship has gotten stronger and I look forward to more years of love.

Kathy @ Parent Talk Today Says:

April 25th, 2008, 19:54 pm

Leo, great post. I plan to link to it over at Parent Talk Today. While my blog is for parents, it’s so easy to forget that Mom and Dad’s relationship needs to come first. It’s the foundation that everything else is built on. Your words here are very wise. Thanks.

Kathy

Dr.X0 Says:

April 25th, 2008, 19:57 pm

One rule is all it takes, just remember these 8 little words:

You’re right; I’m wrong. It’s all my fault.

Adam Sicinski - Study Matrix Art Says:

April 25th, 2008, 20:06 pm

This was a very insightful article Leo. I don’t think many of us realize that the small and seamingly insignificant things we do could have a potentially sabotaging effect on our relationship. It is within these finer details of a relationship that love is either made or broken.

I suppose it doesn’t just take one occasional sin to destroy a relationship. On the other hand it might not even take all 7 sins to destroy a relationship. What I see as being the destructive factor here is repeated instances of these sins wearing the relationship down over an extended period of time. Like water slowly weathers away a rock on a cliff-face, likewise do the 7 sins weather away the love between two hearts.

We must always be fully and consciously aware of how our small and seemingly insignificant interactions and transgressions can and will effect the balance of the love within a relationship. It is understandable that we all make mistakes, yet we must quickly learn from them in order to keep the candle of love burning strong.

On my blog, I put together a Mind Map of sorts presenting the 5 Keys to a Loving and Fruitful Relationship. It discusses relationship traits, the mindset one should cultivate, ways to show you love your partner, romantic ideas, activities and suggestions. And finally it identifies relationship mistakes which parallel some of the things you pointed out within your post. Your readers can view the article and download the desktop wallpaper of this Mind Map at the following link:

http://www.studymatrixart.com/blog/smx-spotlight/keys-to-a-loving-relationship

Thanks for your great insights.

Adam Sicinski
http://www.studymatrixart.com

Dr. Nicole Sundene Says:

April 25th, 2008, 20:56 pm

Whew! That sounds like a LOT of work. So glad I’m not married…

Keith Marshall Says:

April 26th, 2008, 5:33 am

@Leo, many thanks for a great post! I’ve reproduced it (with acknowledgement of course) over on my Zen Mischief weblog, http://zenmischief.blogspot.com/.

I agree with @Marc: please can we cut the god-stuff, please? God, in whatever form, isn’t relevant: this stuff works whether you believe or not. Noreen and I have been married 28 years — she believes in a Christian god; I’m a rabid atheist (tho’ I wasn’t when we married). We respect each others’ beliefs. Tho’ it was tempestuous at first, I like to think we now have a strong marriage.

I agree with everyone who has said that we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. Just as importantly we have to take responsibility for our own orgasms — otherwise sex becomes competitive.

And finally: communicate, communicate, communicate!

Keith Marshall Says:

April 26th, 2008, 5:35 am

@Dr Nicole … It isn’t a lot of work, honestly. It is only what we should be doing to everyone all the time: treat other people as you would wish to be treated yourself.

Peter Knight Says:

April 26th, 2008, 9:07 am

Thirty seven years and as good as ever, so we must be doing some things right. Relationships evolve of course; just as each partner changes with time and experience (not just that of life together: in general), so does the partnership. We haven’t had many “rules”but one that comes to mind is “never leave a difference, however small, unsettled - preferably before the following day”.

Also be careful with words. Some manners of expression, all those that involve the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ for a start, are silly, unnecessary (sweeping statements that just can’t be true anyway) and when personal, are a source of resentment.

Work? I guess it is when differences have to be settled. The rest is matter of habit. For better or for worse.

Teresa Says:

April 26th, 2008, 11:02 am

Leo,
I think you missed a really important deadly sin. Dishonesty. You need honesty in a realtionship to have trust. With out honesty and trust, it is difficult to meet the other requirements of a good and healthy relationship.
Another important deadly sin is the inability or unwillingness to forgive.
Afterall, we are all human and make mistakes. In a good relationship two people work together and walk hand in hand to help each other grow and overcome our sometimes faulty humaness. That is the highest form of love and caring.

Rose Garden Says:

April 26th, 2008, 12:49 pm

Postscipt to my #8 above….The Upside to Resentment:

If you find yourself unable to work out issues that cause deep-seated resentment in a relationship, you’re getting a warning bell that something is seriously wrong with the relationship. Pay attention to it. It’s your choice as to how to deal with this, but remember, it takes two to make a relationship work.

@Teresa has described the foundation of loving relationships: honesty, trust, and forgiveness. May I add, compassion and respect.

Tino Schwarze Says:

April 26th, 2008, 15:04 pm

@Dr.X0: You forgot the smileys! Take these for a start: ;->

Liara Covert Says:

April 26th, 2008, 17:40 pm

These are points worthy of reflection. At the same time, its uplifting to realize we may always choose the opposites of any perceived mistakes or problematic choices. As we learn to think before we speak or act, we can evolve to foresee what behaviours will work or not. It also makes sense to imagine yourself in the position of the person you are interacting with. How would you feel?

Kimberlee Says:

April 27th, 2008, 1:02 am

Here is another one (my personal downfall): Pride-goes along with stubborness. Having too much pride to reveal vulnerabilities, accept help/love, admit when you might be wrong (who me?).

Ryan McLean Says:

April 27th, 2008, 1:16 am

great post. I am looking to get married in the next year so I am trying to make money online so I can support me and my girlfriend (wife)…this post was great

Lala Says:

April 27th, 2008, 7:41 am

I wonder, when cultural differences are an issue in a relationship how does one work through them? For instance, something funny in one culture is not the slightest bit funny (and a bit demeaning) in another culture. Sometimes one can be at a loss as to how to compromise cultures (and not be incredibly offended by having to give up behavior one always believed was ok)

Don’t know just typin’

els Says:

April 27th, 2008, 12:09 pm

I love this list. I’ve been in a serious relationship 2 years now and we are about to move into together.. remembering these things, I am sure, will help.
But also! I think it is just as important to spend time together as it is to remember your SELF in a relationship and spend time alone or with friends, too. I find that by giving yourself your own time every now and then, not too much where it might strain the relationship, allows you to reevaluate and appreciate new things such as spending time with your significant other even more.

John of Indiana Says:

April 27th, 2008, 12:24 pm

I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years that has dwindled down to Platonism (is that a word?) for about the last 5 years. The only thing keeping me there is the memory of 2 hellish marriages and how much a pain-in-the-butt is is to start over.

And Steve, my first marriage had Jeebus in it. Guess he was out someplace making wine out of water or something instead of keeping my wife in her marriage bed…

Dr. Bardou Says:

April 27th, 2008, 12:57 pm

Thanks! Good real list! You must be have big trust experience. Item #3 “Unrealistic expectations” - it seemed to me this is very interesting.

Ralph Says:

April 27th, 2008, 13:20 pm

I think the biggest “sin” of all is lack of presence. When we don’t know how to be present in our own lives, everything becomes gray and dull. Then, we can’t but help but NOT SEE our partner fresh, alive, brand new in each moment. It is presence and presence alone that will take care of all 8 points listed above, naturally.

With Love,
Ralph
http://www.beyondthemind.org

Ralph Says:

April 27th, 2008, 13:20 pm

With Love,
Ralph
BeyondtheMind.org

Tom Stine Says:

April 27th, 2008, 14:26 pm

I just spent a week learning an “antidote” to these sins: granting your partner completely and total freedom to be exactly as they are. As a result of learning to live this way over the past few years, I can now say I love my ex-wife more now than I did when we were married (13 years), and I loved her deeply then.

Andrew is getting fit Says:

April 27th, 2008, 19:00 pm

A great list. I think gratitude is especially important myself.

Vered - MomGrind Says:

April 28th, 2008, 1:56 am

I am a jealous person by nature. I am learning to relax, let go and trust. Jealousy is not an indication of love, but rather a manifestation of a person’s need to control the other person.

Fruppi Says:

April 28th, 2008, 12:20 pm

Great list, and I totally agree, but I’m kind of wondering what to do about the insecurities that cause the jealousy. That’s definitely my problem and I recognize it, but I’m not sure how to fix it. How do I make myself feel better enough about myself to not be so jealous?

jbelle Says:

April 28th, 2008, 12:33 pm

Great List, gonna forward this to my BF.

I would have to add that having our own individual time is important too.

Kenneth King Says:

April 28th, 2008, 13:32 pm

Good point Teresa - dishonesty and unforgiveness are definitely big relationship killers. An excellent list Leo, I found myself nodding and saying “uh-huh” just a little too often while reflecting upon the past. Experience is a great teacher - one can either learn from their own mistakes, or better yet, read a great post like this or be reminded of how to avoid such mistakes both now and in the future.

Karenza Says:

April 28th, 2008, 15:48 pm

Very good list. My husband and I were married at age 23 and have been married for 17+ years. I have successfully overcome feelings of resentment, I think by just remembering to have a sense of humor–laugh about the toilet paper, etc. Also, when the chips are down, I like Dr. Phil’s advice about someone “being the hero” in the relationship. Someone has to be the mature one to take the high road and move on through a disagreement, etc. because I would “rather be married than be right.”

Jessica Says:

April 28th, 2008, 16:40 pm

Is this blog even active anymore? Leo, you post once every 3 days or so - time to take this blog off my reading list…

Phelander Says:

April 28th, 2008, 16:45 pm

Not very Zen, Jessica.

anon Says:

April 28th, 2008, 17:28 pm

Have you seen this site? People confess their sins online, anonymously: http://iconfessmyself.blogspot.com

Midgetqueen Says:

April 28th, 2008, 17:56 pm

Great advice, thank you! I’m starting a folder of tips, hints, tricks etc. for making a relationship/marriage work before my sweetie and I get married. This article is so going into my folder!

p.s. I totally read your tips at work to calm myself down if the day gets stressful and/or irritating. Fab stuff, please do keep it up.