Josh

I’m shaking as I write this, not for any particular reason, well maybe there is, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve been away from the computer for the past few days, reading, thinking, trying to live normally for once. I hopped on the computer today to write a post, the topic which escapes me now, but that doesn’t matter, because this is more important.

There are a lot of things in my life that are fucked up. There are a lot of things that I can change, things that I would like to change but probably can’t, and things that won’t ever change. It’s hard to let go of fear, to realize that the way things turned out are directly caused by my fear of these things, and that you are the reason why so many people have been hurt. And no, it’s not just about Ness or Gaby, or the people I’ve dated. Yes, I’ve hurt them in ways that people shouldn’t ever be hurt, I’ve let them down, disappointed them, kept things from them that I shouldn’t have. Looking past all of those things, why did I do that to them? Why do I hurt people? Why is it that I’ve spent my entire life running from the people that cared about me, from responsibility, and from myself? I’ve been so consumed by fear that I couldn’t see that the problem was never anyone else; it was me.

I’ve always kept one foot out the door, trying to keep my options open. That’s a bit ironic, since I didn’t want any options. I was happy with who I was with, I was just never happy with myself. It’s hard to commit to someone when you’re so committed to nothing. My favorite saying as of late has been douche bag, and I’ve been busy using it on anyone and everything, that I didn’t realize the reason I was using it so much was because that’s what I am. I’m a douche bag.

People have always said that they see great things in me. I never saw it. I never believed them. Good people don’t hurt, they don’t lie, they don’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong when there clearly is, they don’t take and take and give nothing in return. Words mean nothing when not backed up by something tangible, something that can be seen or done. Words are just words and have no meaning until you show it somehow. I thought that words were enough because I never thought that I was ever good enough to really let someone hold onto me. To be honest, I still don’t think I’m worth very much, but that’s beginning to change.

I haven’t been very fair to the people in my life. We’ve all tried to come out on top, to look the best, to sound the best, but the truth is, I don’t deserve the top. I’ve tried to tell things the way they are, but the truth is, it’s hard to do when you know you’re going to come out looking like the biggest piece of shit on Earth. Well maybe not the biggest, there’s a lot of competition for that title, but pretty close to the top.

I deserve to be yelled at, I deserve to feel guilty, I deserve to be slapped, kicked in the face, tarred and feathered. There are a lot of things that I deserve and I’ve been lucky that most people have just said that I have a lot of potential, that really I’m a good person underneath, and that I just need to get my shit together. All of those are very true. To be honest, everyone has been easy on me. Not that I’m complaining. I’m not. But I don’t deserve for people to be easy on me.

I should have realized a long time ago that I was never ready for what I wanted. I wanted a life with someone, I wanted kids and all those grown up things that grown up people should have. And I had two chances to do that. I was just too stupid, blind, and immature to see that I had it right in front of me. I took advantage of it, of them.

The truth is, I’m full of shit. I always have been. I’m spoiled, I’m careless, I’m disrespectful, I’m an asshole to the tenth degree. I say things sometimes that I don’t mean, I do things that contradict the things that I really do mean, and I’m a huge waste of most people’s time.

Most people spend the better part of the first 20+ years of their life growing up. I wasted it, trying to blame everyone else for what’s happened, blaming everyone else for the confusion I feel, the hate that I hold in my heart, and the anger that battles on inside of me. There’s no one to blame. No one. I hurt those people, I hurt Gaby, I hurt Ness, I hurt my parents, and I hurt myself. I’m to blame. Not everyone else. Me and only me.

Why am I not close with my parents? Because I don’t want to be. Yes, they hurt me, but I’ve hurt them just as much. Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time, to the night they decided I was to be born, and tell them to get a fucking clue. If they had only known what I’d turn out to be then maybe they would have thought twice, maybe three times, before they decided to not use birth control.

Why did Gaby and Ness dump me? Because I took advantage of them. What can I really say to that? There’s no excuse for that. None. I had no reason to do what I did. I was so selfish, so afraid, so…stupid.

I’m painting a pretty horrible picture of myself. I may sound depressed, psychotic even, but I assure you I’m not depressed and I might be psychotic. In fact, aside from a few hiccups here and there and the fact that I was dumped and lost a really amazing person and hurt her in ways that people shouldn’t be hurt, I’m doing quite well.

The only reason I am writing all of this, is because I now realize that I am better than the person I have become. I do have potential. There is something good inside of me. I’m tired of hiding, of pretending, of keeping things from the people that I really love. I’m tired of being selfish, afraid, and stupid. I’m just tired.

No, I won’t forget what I did to people. I won’t forget all the hurt I’ve caused. I’ll always carry that with me. I’ll always remember. I’ll always feel horrible about it. But before I think about those things, I’m going to remind myself that I’m better than that, or that I can be better than that. Because I am, and I will be, and I can be.

Tagged as douche bag, fear, Gaby, hurt, Ness, pain, shit + Categorized as life