Fenxy

The whole story of his first Breaking and Entering is hilarious. "I DID MY BEST!"

"Then I disappeared down a pipe into my basement." or something like that.

Oh and "MY FATHER WAS A BRILLIANT MAN!!!"

LOL...i love his "the first time i got head" story. Its a coming of age tale, come along with me.

Don't talk to me about Dane Cook. He stole all my shit. I used to say back in the day, which by the way was a wednesday, and the next thing I know, he says it. People that have known me forever start to notice that I say it and he says it, and now they call me a content whore. The same thing goes with his Evil Toy story.

"Someone shit on the coats!"

"Thats the sound of growing up"

"let's do this, I'm a cashew"

and

"he was hit by a Dodge, which I found both funny and ironic"

Guess I'm the odd man out, I watched his special on HBO and felt like he was trying sooo hard to be funny. I was bored as hell and turned it off.

Nah you aren't the odd man out. I didn't like his HBO special at all. It was boring and I fell asleep at like 5 in the evening because I was so bored with it. His other stuff isn't like that though.

Andrew: His most recent stand up on HBO wasn't really that great, but his past ones, espeically the first, are classic.

My favorite of his skits is is "Legacy" skit:

"I took the cone and I smashed it into his face! Then I said 'you remember me forever!' and I ran away. Because you know when he's 50 he's gonna say, 'one time, a man came up to me. he smashed an ice cream cone in my face and said 'you fucking remember me forever!'' But I did not say fucking I did not say that. He should have ice scream smashed into his face because he's a lying 50 year old man. I did not say fucking!..."

Yeah... it's a bit off, but I'm sure that's how it goes. :p

"Hey guys, come here, we're going to take a picture and talk about cheese."

Or,

"I want to share something that I've prayed my entire life that someday I'd get to see, and three weeks ago, I finally got to see it live. I finally got to see somebody get hit by a car."

Legacy's good too.

Though, a lot of the time I think he tries way too hard to make himself funny.

I love Dane Cook.

One of my favorite quotes of his is this one from the Bk Lounge;

I was taking this lady's order once, and I said "OK, ma'am, that'll bve $3.75, please drive around" and there was a long pause and she said "Where do I go?" WHERE DO YOU GO?! you follow the one fuckin road you're on to ME.
Ok, ma'am, you're gonna go to the Texaco station, take a right. Go 5 1/2 miles SouthEast till you see a guy in a yellow pancho, his name is HANK. He'll take you to the whopper lair. That's where you go.
And you have 10 minutes to get there or we TAKE YO FOOD.

"No no no, you fix that wall before my dad gets home from work. He's gonna beat me with a belt, he's not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here. You stupid idiot.

Yeah, coming through the wall is real fucking cool! USING THE FRONT DOOR IS COOL!! Don't touch me you drink! Don't touch me you giant beverage. You are sweating or condensating; I will kick you in the tights and you will go down, you're very top heavy.

You glass bitch. You glass bastard. Oh Yeah! Oh NO! Naughty, naughty Kool-Aid"

Or possibly:

This tire wasn't fucking around, as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance.

"Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float over me when I'm dying in the abyss! Your son almost killed me with his ah, Daffy Duck Raft there John."
or
"Since back in the day, which was a Wednesday by the way.."

My favorite is when he STFU. Dude hasn't made me laugh in two years.

I realize that I have a somewhat strange sense of humor (sometimes confused with having none at all), but I just don't think he's funny. Comedy has gone downhill and I wonder where all the true talent -- comedians that don't need to demean people or curse every 3 seconds (I sound like my mother) -- has gone.

I'd have to agree "I DID MY BEST" breakdown was full of win.

I've got Yum Yums.

(i can soooooo see our old priest sing-songing that ...)

"I was doing dishes, he was in his basement"

and the whole bit about what they use to coat the floors of parking garages.

I would punch every shark in the face!

dane cook is so funny

"how did mary die? a tire hit her in the face. How did her face get near a tire" " No No this tire hunted mary down this tire murdered mary this tire was out for vengence"

... and then you go like this, "is that too much?" ... oh no no, ahh, my hopes was that after we left the theatre you'd be obese ... are you sure you don't want anything else you big fat fatty?

" i took the drink and I (sniff) snorted it, i thought speed quick there was a connection a connection"

I just want to make sure... are we quoting one his jokes or are we quoting a joke he used from someone else who he didn't give credit to? Because if it's one he came up with on his own, there is only like two of those.

"When someone calls you 'pal', and you're not pals....FUCK THAT."

Hmm... Oh!

"The other day, I don't know if you've ever gotten this, it was about 2:30
in the afternoon. I got the itchy-est asshole I've ever gotten on record." -- Louis C.K.